SuBa, the Page-Fifty-Five Girl

Britain’s Got Talent gave its audience a very emotional moment yesterday, when Susan Balls, a 48-old-years woman from Blackburn, West Lothian (Scotland), performed an astonishing strip-tease before thousands of million of viewers.

The ITV1’s freak show had begun with its usual parade of social misfits, and it was only after an hour of a soporific display that a middle-aged lady in a shapeless dress appeared on the stage of the Glasgow’s Clyde Auditorium. With her bushy eyebrows and frizzy brown hair, she looked quite as boring as all the preceding applicants, and the public justifiably started to giggle at this particularly disgraceful creature. The judges in turn sniggered when she confessed that she had sent her picture to The Sun every year since the age of 17. “I’m trying to be a page-three girl,” she said. “I’ve never been given my chance before, but here’s hoping it’ll change,” adding that her best masculine friend was a cat called Robert Murdoch Jr. She also explained to the gleeful judges that she would like to be as successful as Esmeralda in The Hunchback of Notre Dame, which inevitably made the sniggers in the Auditorium grow in volume, given that this poor Scottish spinster looked much more like the hunchback than the gypsy dancer.

Then a miracle happened. Susan dropped her dress and her uncommon treasures were unveiled to the world. It was amazement beyond words. After a brief moment of stunning silence, the public burst into cheers and finally gave a standing ovation to the now famous appropriately named “Hairy Angel.” The jury was as enthusiast as the audience: Simon Cowell pronounced her strip show “extraordinary,” while the syrupy Piers Morgan said her body was “without a doubt the most monstrous thing I have even seen in my whole life.”

Susan is now an international star. Her appearance at BGT has been watched 300 million times on You Tube, from Bangladesh to Burundi to Galapagos. She is the bookmakers’ favorite to win the TV competition, and thus she stands a very strong chance of being able to repeat her performance in front of the Queen. America is also hit by the Balls mania: Larry Flynt has already invited her on Hustler Channel, and CBS is preparing a documentary on her life, “The Hottentot Venus from the Lochs.” Last but not least, Susan has almost dreamed her dream: The Sun will print a naked picture of her – not on page 3, however, for obvious reasons of morality, but on page 55, the penultimate page. After all, it is better than nothing. Thank who? Simon Cowell of course (and Robert Murdoch)!

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